A new sunrise, a new dawn, a new beginning, a fresh start, a new year…

The Sun rises every day, and it sets with the hope of shining on a better world, better people when it rises again the next morning. Sets again but rises…yet again, each day… every single day, with new hope, same shimmer, not decreasing in strength nor losing even a single ray of glimmer.

Every second, every minute is new and fresh. Resolutions could be made each day, each hour, every minute. Change is good; it needs not a new year or a special day. Positive change needs a warm welcome with open arms, every single moment of our existence!

Each day we rise from our sleep, we are bestowed with the divine gift – the gift of life! Each day awaits in hope for something worthwhile. It could be just a small deed, maybe just a small kindness, comforting words of encouragement, or simply a pleasant smile that may mean a lot to someone in dire need. Small deeds may actually be huge.

Live every moment like it’s new, breathe every breath like it’s the first fresh breath, live a life like you’ve never lived before. Be the lamp that glows, spreading the divine light (Nur) from within. Don’t wait…just be!

“You are doing something very sacred here, something very daring, during your life upon the earth. You are defining yourself and then recreating yourself anew, in each golden moment of Now” (Neale Donald Walsch)

When the hearts turn that of stone, frozen, solid, nothing seems to be able to penetrate into it or even out of it. What remains inside sinks deep within, trapped, concealed, secluded, excommunicate – “Consumed by the self”!

This is the ailment that appalls the heart and devours the entire soul slowly and passively, leaving it in a solitude, surrounded by the mound of distress seemingly so enormous, more towering than the small heaps of problems of all the others! And apparently you are alone, left to cross over the mound all by yourself. The ailment of not being able to see beyond your own self leaves you in a solitary distress, anticipating support from those around, but unable to actually feel the presence of all the love that surrounds; the arms that are stretched out, awaiting to be held, but all in vain. The soul is blinded, trapped within the frozen heart, sealed and bolted in the locks of the self!

If only a small spark could kindle that flame, which would melt the heart, to be able to feel that which lies outside it, to be able to feel the warmth that surrounds, to be able to see the hands that are stretched out awaiting to be held firmly through the deluge, but only before it is too late.

Alas, this plague which is devouring the soul can only be cured by the spark that is kindled from within. Only the flame that burns from within can melt the heart, to be able to see and feel that which is obscure.

This spark can only be kindled to let the flame burn, by burying the ego and annihilating the self. And this is achieved by drowning in the Divine Ocean of love and spreading His love to all who are around. By being the cure to someone else’s ailment, the Divine being automatically cures you. Even bringing out a bright smile or just sharing the weight of the burden buried within an aching heart cures all ailments that lie within; the rest is taken care of by the Deity! 

But only if that spark is kindled from within so that

“…He cleanses them from all defilement that nothing may remain in them except Himself…that they may adore none beside Him.” (Al Ghazali)

 This day marks the Birthday of two most beautiful people who created us, and made us who we are today.  A very strange coincidence, they were born on the same date, 15^th October! (that’s what has been told to us) but with a difference of a decade.

This is not to wish them a Happy Birthday, since the abode they live in is far beyond the boundaries of time and counting of days. But this is to wish all those who were connected with each other through them a very “Happy and Fulfilling Birthday”

It is a reminder for all of us to walk on the footsteps that they left on the sands of time, and try to leave our own everlasting marks.

Happy Birthday Ammie and Abbu, and a Fulfilling day to the Ummat-e-MuslimaH

You will live on in the hearts of those whose lives you touched!

Mankind, a marvelous creation of God gifted with wisdom and knowledge, is a free soul, capable of doubt and disobedience. God’s gift, the free will or the freedom to choose, is the basic differentiating factor that raises man above all other creations. Whatever good that comes to us has already been given to us by God. Whatever misfortune comes our way is our own doing. With the ability to use the power of wisdom, the inner divine guidance, and disobedience, it is up to us to smoothly tread the path predestined by the Divine being or to go astray.

According to Neale Donald Walsch:

“You are what you experience. You experience what you express. You express what you have to express. You have what you grant yourself”.

Predestination, in some ways could actually be the fate or in other words, what has been destined for us by the Divine being. Does this mean that whatever happens to us has already been decided? Then what’s the point of free will? When everything is predestined, then why is it said that the Divine being has given us the freedom to choose? Is this really freedom or has mankind been restricted by predestination?

A verse from the Quran:

“Whatever misfortune strikes you is what your right hand has earned”

quite clearly reveals that it is up to us to choose whatever comes our way by making use of the divine gift of free will in an appropriate way.

 Yet another verse:

 “God misleads and directs as He chooses”

makes us feel that it is totally against the concept of free will. This “Free will” versus “Predestination” gets really mind boggling!

In fact, it may make one wonder that humans are powerless! Everything that happens whether it is good or evil, positive or negative, is all God’s prerogative. Poor human has no role to play in the course that life takes. He is just a puppet obeying all that has been destined for him! Then why should there be a concept of reward or punishment?

If we look closely, this verse in essence emphasizes the fact that those who are able to invoke their inner divine guidance are eventually directed on the correct path predestined by the Divine being.

As explained in “The Confessions of Al Ghazali”, the light of the Divine guidance is present throughout. God sheds it in the hearts of those who open up their hearts by detaching themselves from this world of illusion and drawing themselves closer to the eternal world which is the true destination. Man has to ceaselessly make effort to receive that light, which God sheds when He finds earnestness of the seeker’s desire for the Divine guidance. This does not in any way mean that God is waiting to see that earnestness. Through predefined system, that light begins to glow within the hearts of those who are able to achieve that state.

In order to understand this concept of Predestination and free will, we need to focus on the bigger picture. The beginning and the end, and the major milestones have been predestined. The remaining parameters are left to be handled or mishandled, by the permission of God. Man has been given the freedom to choose, by His will. So, making life heaven or hell is up to mankind!

Rumi has narrated this concept in the form of a story in his Mathnavi.

A man, who sees Israel (the angel of death) comes running to Solomon’s hall of justice. Upon inquiring, he tells Solomon about the angry gaze that Israel gave him and requested Solomon to use his special powers to send him to Hindustan. Solomon grants his wish.

The next morning, Solomon inquired Israel why he looked at that person with anger. Israel replied, that God had commanded him to take that person’s spirit yesterday in Hindustan. Israel was only wondering how that would be possible!

That which was predestined happened, but how it happened and the distress it created, was actually the choice of that man.

Pride of self negates the true effect of free will. However, aligning ourselves with Divinity smoothly leads us to the course that has been destined for us.

Both predestination and free will exist simultaneously!

“Belief lies between predestination and free will.” (Rumi) 

Standing alone, feet bathing in cool waves from the huge ocean that is stretched right in front of me.

My gaze fixed at the sea, as if in a trance, thoughts as deep as the ocean.

Staring at the waves making ripples, the ocean roaring so loud, yet it brings peace to the heart.

My heart is not here with me, it’s wandering, away from me, somewhere, where the sounds of the ocean reach, maybe the other end, where my heart actually belongs, where it rests in peace.

The soul is restless, there’s a desire burning, wanting to be where the heart is, desiring the union of the soul with the heart, wishing for the heart’s abode to be right next to it, wanting for it to travel all those miles, to be with the heart…wanting to drown in the ocean of Divine love, desiring to be where there is eternal peace…

Muslima, my mother, a symbol of sacrifice since her childhood but never for once complained. She was the source of strength when others felt weak. She always stood up for others when they needed her. A saint, so pious and pure, she never hurt anyone not even with a single word she ever spoke. Even when she was ill, she never let anyone realize what she was going through. A true fighter who fought against her ailment till the last and died like a martyr!

A great mother, the greatest chef, so fond of cooking, she even prepared a diary of recipes for us daughters to use when she is not there. Every Saturday, the day when all of us would visit, it felt like a grand party. Her koftas and aloo gobi with plain white rice shall always be remembered.

Haris, my father, so close to the Divine being! His every conversation eventually led to the true essence of religion. Every act of his was an act of worship. The conversations he had with the tanker walas, driver and maasi were enlightening. He even learned from these people, he would say. A very avid reader, he would finish off books on religion and philosophy in hours. The only book he read for his life time was the Quran. The only subject he spoke on was Deen. The only aim in his life was to be close to Divinity. His favorite past time was charity. This we found out after his sudden demise. There were so many people who mourned his death just like his immediate family members.

A very well organized person, everything that he managed at home was so well planned and sorted out. He has left small notes with explanatory comments in his diaries and phone books which have made things run smoothly even when he is not there! Ammie and Abbu are physically not there, but their presence can be felt in all that they have left for us. Most valuable asset is the lesson of love, tolerance and perseverance that they preached. They preached by example to live and let live, to forgive and forget.

August 25, 1963, these two great people Muslima and Haris tied knots. For over forty years, they lived a life that touched so many other lives in this world. They created everlasting impressions on the hearts of many. They are among the very few, who were able to leave their footsteps on the sands of time.

Happy Anniversary, Ammie and Abbu!

You will live on in not just our hearts, but also in the hearts of those whose lives you touched!

I happened to browse through a photo album of a relative recently posted on face book and got to see a few faces after a very long time. It was quite pleasant to be able to see them after a long time. Flash backs took me down the memory lane.

I remembered those times when one of the uncles in that album was young and energetic. He was dynamic, and would take charge of every event in the family. His management was well known and his extremely good planning skills made all family occasions turn out to be perfect and dot on time! He had no formal degree of MBA or even management as such, yet his management and planning was no less than that of a formal degree holder.

Looking at his pictures brought tears in my eyes. His frail, old visage, with an innocent blank look in his eyes, reflecting questions unanswered, showing defeat and surrender. His inability to communicate what’s inside, all his emotions locked up within his bosom, everything so totally devoured by the Alzheimer’s disease. Once a symbol of strength, now a spiritless soul!

His pictures made me realize how insignificant Man is in the bigger picture painted by the Divine being but Man knows not!

Man feels so helpless at times…

I have seen helplessness quite closely, when my father was breathing his last few breaths. I knew the consequences, yet there was nothing I could do! The only thing possible for me to do was to surrender to the Divine will. Maybe that too to console my soul that it was the Divine will. And now all we are left with are memories.

But I have realized, these memories are an asset. The words, the actions and the deeds all leave an everlasting impression not only on those who are near and dear but all those who interact on a daily basis, be it the driver, or the gardener or the person who supplies water. The souls that these great people have touched will leave an everlasting impression in the hearts and they will live there forever!

Looking at life from a broader perspective, I have come to realize that what we are doing is not what we are supposed to be doing! The focus should be on making impressions not anywhere else but on the hearts. Our deeds should stir the souls!

People shall come and people shall leave, but what will remain are the footsteps on the sands of time.

Day begins, day ends. Time is running fast; so much to do but such little time. There’s hardly time for anything. We are all the time busy in a race against time. It seems as if life would come to a halt if we stop doing all those things that we are busy with. Without even stopping for a while to realize what we are doing, we go on with that daily rut.

There are so many people around us, who we take for granted. We think we’ll talk to them tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. We plan to visit them, but something or the other which is more urgent comes up. We do think about them, but blame the busy schedule for not being able to give them our precious time. Some of our dear ones, we don’t even find time to think about. Let’s face it, we do this.

Only when our loved ones depart, and we are struck with the pangs of sorrow, everything comes to a sudden halt. Life comes to a standstill for us. The rest of the world goes on with the same speed but we are excused from it. Everyone understands and does a workaround without us being a part of it. We are left to come to terms with the sudden sorrow that life has thrown at us.

But time has slipped out of our hands. All we are left with is memories accompanied with pain and regret. We will regret not being able to spend quality time with our loved ones. The heart will ache with the burden of all those words that remained unspoken. The sorrow of not being able to absorb all the wisdom that died will drown us.

But time heals. Gradually the rut of life will resume with the same speed and fervor, but that empty space will remain forever in our lives. What a pity, we realize this only when the souls depart…..maybe that too for only a short while and then get back into that same rut, till life comes to a standstill again…

Love is, when a father gets angry at his daughter for forgetting to tell him that she’ll be late from work. He is not angry because she did not inform him, but because he is concerned for her out of love.

Love is, when a wife is upset with the husband when he forgets to take the lunch to work, that was so lovingly prepared for him in the morning. Not because she had to get up and go through the pains of preparing it, but because she is concerned about the health and the well being.

Love is, when a poor maid beats up her daughter for not working as hard as she does because she loves her and wants her to learn to earn her own living and not depend on anyone once she’s gone.

Love is, when a mother takes away a toy from the kids fighting over it. She’s doing it not to punish them, but out of love for both the children. She wants them to learn to share and care and to grow up learning to compromise.

I felt loved whenever I got that sweet reminder to have “a cup of milk” whenever I had that appetite loss.

It is not important to say ‘I Love you’ to actually love someone. It is an emotion that can only be felt and cherished. Sometimes, these three words when said may not convey the emotions that they are supposed to. At times ‘I hate you’ may actually convey true love. It is meaningless what is said. The energy released is what actually matters. Any form of positive energy depicts love.

Divine love can be felt in the pattering of the raindrops, the soft humming of the birds, the cool shade under an oak tree, in the smell of the freshly cut grass, the first rays of the rising sun, the waves thrashing the shores, in the blossoms on the trees, in fact in just anything that you see around you. This is God’s manifestation of love. 

According to Rumi, human love is but a pale reflection of the Divine love. It is also supposedly involved with pain and suffering. This is because of the human resistance to the Divine Call to abandon the self and become reabsorbed in the Divinity.

As Iqbal says: “Love solves all the mysteries of the world; it is at once an ailment and a matchless cure.”

There he was, standing beside the grave, as he would every Thursday. Another Thursday, one more rose on the grave and yet another hour or two of silent memories and flashbacks. He would stand there, not utter a single word, say a few prayers, and just shed a few uncontrollable tears that would lift the burden off his heart of losing her forever. His heart would feel lighter but also emptier than before. But this much would only be sufficient for him to live for a week more, to come back and visit her again.

But what’s the point now? This is not what she had wanted. She doesn’t even care if she gets a rose every Thursday on her grave. It doesn’t make her happy. It makes no difference. She has already attained the everlasting happiness that she deserved, and had hoped for just a glimpse of it in this world. It would have made a difference when she was a part of the living world, before her soul gave in and departed for the eternal peace. Yes, that rose would really have brightened her days, lifted her heart and she would have found some reason to smile.

But what stopped him? Nothing at all. He never realized how easy it was to put a smile on someone’s face. Only a few words of appreciation and just a few gestures that would simply reinforce the fact that he cared. Yes, he cared, but never understood how important it was to express.

Now, that she’s gone, he just wonders if he had ever told her what she meant to him. He keeps going over the past, just to remember if he had ever made her realize how much he cared. If only he had expressed his feelings!

True love needs nothing in exchange, no great demonstration of devotion, nothing but knowing that the other person loves you too. It only needs a heart in exchange. So, let your loved ones know how you feel for them, it will only lift the spirits, give more meaning to your life and bring happiness to those you care for…before it is too late.

I was sitting alone at the dining table, trying to push the food down forcibly, finishing off the last few bites of my lunch. Everyone else had finished off and left the table for something or the other. The only other person still sitting with me was an aunt who lives with us, who cannot hear or speak by birth, and can hardly see clearly due to her deteriorating glaucoma. She is almost nonexistent, living in her own world, doesn’t interact much with anyone.

I was feeling low and extremely tired after working all day, preparing the meal for the entire household and then eating alone, that too, on a day, which was supposed to be a holiday. Putting in so much effort, from cooking to cleaning, washing the dishes, setting the table, serving lunch, and in a matter of a few minutes, the entire show was over. Life appeared to be too mechanical and robotic.

A train of useless depressing thoughts was crossing my mind. The mess on the dining table that needed to be cleared was adding up to my lethargy! I was feeling so drained. My efforts I felt had no worth. Sitting, playing with my food, thinking, depressed….

All of a sudden, that aunt, with the gestures of her hands draws my attention. When I look at her she tells me that today’s lunch was extremely delicious! For a second I was unable to really assimilate as to what she had said. Appreciation coming from a person who hardly interacts was quite surprising. I then realized she was smiling to me and praising the food that was just so ordinary and regular!  

She said what she had to, and left the table back to her usual routine, but it interrupted my train of depressing thoughts. I did not actually believe that the food was delicious, as I know it was not, but this gesture brought spontaneous tears to my eyes with my heart so overwhelmed! I realized she was a medium and that God spoke to me through her. I could suddenly feel The Divine Presence. I just now received a pat on my back from the Divinity, telling me to stop bothering about anything else, to keep it up and keep going!

Through the perfect harmony and the beauty in nature God manifests His existence. Through small signs and gestures that touch your heart, He communicates…yes this is how God talks to us.

Mother’s day, a day when children try to make their mothers feel important and loved. They remind her of her greatness and the love that she has been imparting to her family. A happy mothers’ day greeting followed by a card or some special gift is usually what children do to make their mothers feel loved.

Different websites have special offers especially for this special occasion. Barnes and noble, for example has this special “Create Mothers Day book” offer which takes a few minutes to make and bingo! A personalized gift is ready for a very special mom! Other websites, like Blue Mountain and Hallmark have great cards available. Shops are full of “for a very special mum” gifts. Newspapers have special arrangements for publishing personalized messages for this special occasion. Some of the very creative local salons have special package for mothers’ day to let the children pamper mothers by gifting them with a very special manicure, pedicure or a nice hairdo or a relaxing massage. A very nice and creative way indeed to let your mum know how much you love her!

Just for a day, the mother is made to feel special. She definitely needs that expression of love, that special feeling indeed. But a mother is only content when she sees the love, hidden within her bosom, finding expression through the role models she aspires to create. Her soul is peaceful when she sees her children become what she wants them to be. Her seemingly endless efforts of cuddling her child through the night, maybe all alone, payoff when she sees her child grow up to be a person with the moral values that she tried to cultivate right from the roots of childhood. Her heart blossoms when she sees her child gain respect among colleagues, when her child learns to stand upright through every thick and thin, rise up after falling, and stand right beside her holding her hand like she would hold when the child was just learning to walk!

Mothers are a very special creation of God. They definitely deserve all the love in the world, and that love cannot be given or expressed in just one day. She needs those mother moments, which would give her inner peace and a sense of motherly satisfaction. To all those mothers out there: Happy mothers’ day, today and every day!

By: Shazia Yousuf

I happened to visit Dubai last December – January. Seemed like a blessing, a long deserved break from work and the monotonous routine; indeed an oasis in the desert!

The shimmer and glitter of Dubai itself makes you forget for some time all the troubles, you leave behind your entire burden and soon get acclimatized with the air that is filled with glamour.

Driving on the seven lane wide roads, speeding at a regular 70 miles per hour, or mall walking, dazed by the luster and gleam, one slowly and gradually starts becoming a part of it. It numbs you, it encompasses you!

Initially everything appears to be expensive because you actually convert dirham to rupees whenever you try to buy something from attractive places like Life Style or Home Center. However, if your stay exceeds a week or so, you actually start believing the fact that 35 Dhs is is not that expensive for a simple shirt after all.

Dubai has consumed you!

And then you start longing for a life, where weekends are spent barbecuing at the beach, or mornings on Fridays starting off with a luxurious brunch at the Barbeque Delight at the Jumeirah Beach Residency, right at the sea shore which is not too expensive or unaffordable, of course according to the Dubai standards. A life where off and on you treat yourself with a latest blockbuster from either Hollywood or Bollywood, or an amazing live performance by Sonu Nigam, Jagjeet Singh or Rihanna. You gradually start forgetting the miseries of load shedding, water and sewerage or for that matter the life stagnation after rains. The towering masterpiece of Burj Khalifa, and the Burj Al Arab make you so numb especially if you spend the new year’s eve watching the extremely glamourous fireworks, they slowly make you start feeling at home and you feel like a part of the glorious glittering Dubai.

Anyways, my trip being a short one, all this glitter and shimmer had to be said farewell to and the journey back home had to be made soon.

Once at home, everything seems to give pain. The focus on life is not on quality. We are just leading our lives, flowing with the currents of mismanagement and disloyalties in each and every sector and organization. For a few days after coming home nothing seemed good. The roads, the litter and filth of pan, the frowning faces of the people on the streets, all were so depressing. I felt like going back.

But come to think of it, this is life! This is the reality that I have come back to. In fact, that life is so artificial – living for oneself. Here I am reminded time and again; my life has a purpose – serving the poor destitute souls…

Here back home, when I see those lined up outside Abdullah Shah Ghazi’s Mazar, waiting for the langar (free food) to be distributed, or those tiny hands begging for the Mc Donald’s take away that I couldn’t finish I feel my life has a purpose. Some say those beggars are lazy and they don’t want to work. But still.

I have opportunities here, to see God, to feel God, to strive in the way of God…

It is us who have to do something maybe not for the country, but for the poor deprived souls living in my country, who have no way to lift the standard of living in such a period of high cost of living. It is us who have to help those deprived souls. Some say, we cannot do anything while living in this country which itself is in such a mess. But so many institutions like TCF, Edhi Welfare Trust, Zindagi trust, Sasta Tandoor, Al Mustafa Welfare Trust, Alamgir Welfare Trust and so many more organizations are doing so much for the well being of humanity. We can also be a part of it.

Running away is not the solution. Living with real people, seeing and feeling their pain and then doing something for them is what is required of us. I feel going away, ignoring the problem that we are faced with is like running away from an old ailing parent.

The real attitude should be to be a part of it and take up the responsibility. It does not mean joining an NGO or doing anything big. Small efforts can also make a difference. Just by taking up the responsibility of the families associated with those who work for you, you can start improving conditions of families other than yours. Those 2.5 percent of the annual income if spent wisely can really do wonders! Starting with those closely associated with you and then gradually expanding your responsibility circle. Taking up this challenge, becoming the force of change is the essence of existence.

I have come to terms with the fact that those bumpy dug up roads are a part of my home, frowning faces are the souls I can relate to…this is what I am, this is my life – my reality.

As a child, I had always believed in intense praying. I believed that I could achieve anything, and I mean anything, if I prayed hard enough. Of course I knew hard work was an essential ingredient for achievement but hard work without prayer was incomplete. A very traditional belief, this is what all of us know and have been taught at home and at religious classes and this is definitely the truth.

However, experiences in life gradually made me to scratch my head and compelled me to think and think harder. For instance, I had always desired to get straight As in O’ Level and A’ Level exams. I definitely worked very hard, I believe, and prayed harder. Yet I never got straight As. Anyways, my faith was strong, and I always believed God must definitely have something better planned out for me.

Other seemingly major, but actually minor events kept occurring in life. My belief remained unchanged. One experience, however shattered me, and left me in total dismay. That event was my mother’s sad demise. It was not sudden. She was ill for over ten years, and gradually deteriorating. But her two month long hospitalization in the ICU was a life changing experience for me. I had been by her side, saw her fighting her pleural effusion, gradually losing her interest in life and finally departing. The doctors made great efforts, the entire family prayed! Prayed in congregation, prayed in solitude, yet none of us could convince God to spare my mother’s soul. The doctors couldn’t save her with their effort and hard work and we couldn’t save her with our prayers and duas.

Maybe the effort was not enough or maybe we did not pray with the devotion that God asks from us. But this somehow did not convince me. I know how I prayed. I know how devoted I was. My mind simply could not accept this argument.

A restless soul within, I started my quest for an answer. I would wonder what God wants from us. Is He actually waiting for us to make Him realize what we utterly need.

I would wonder, when a person is ill, he turns to God in prayer. If the prayer is accepted by God, then the person recovers. Superficially, it seems as if God changed His mind, as if God can be “sweet talked” into backing down from a previously stated position, so to speak. It also seems as if God waits in heaven for our words of supplication, and, if they do not arrive, He wreaks His vengeance and wrath on us.

Furthermore, we are aware that God is an infinite Being who is by definition unchanging; if this is the case, then how can God “change His mind”?

All this somehow made me feel that God does not want anything from us! He has already given us all that He has! He created this universe and made us with all His attributes. He is Generous, Gracious, Merciful, Benevolent, and is recognized by more than a hundred attributes. God is all Love! And, He wants us to imitate His attributes.

God has also given us free will. By practicing this free will it is up to us now to decide which path we take. Whatever good that comes to us has already been given to us by God. Whatever misfortune comes our way is our own doing.

So the question arises, how do we decide which path to take? This is simple! Atonement with the absolute and aligning ourselves with the Divinity opens up the path that we need to tread upon, right in front of us. Sounds easy…right? Well it actually is!

This is where prayer comes into picture. Prayer is an awakening within us. Prayers are heard by the God within us shielded by the perishable body and selfish desires. So, what we achieve from prayer to God is not coming from outside anywhere but from within. When we pray, we pray to no one but to ourselves. There is nobody to listen to our prayers, not in sky or heaven or temple. When we pray, we forget for sometime our worldly affairs or existence. If we come in contact with God, our original form, even for a fraction of a second, our prayers are answered. God listens to us who is nowhere but within us. The guidance comes from within and the harmony in life is regained by aligning oneself with the Divine guidance.

With this concept, I now realize why God did not answer my prayers when I was begging Him for my mother’s health, and I am convinced. I am convinced that prayer is an essential ingredient to success and achievement, but I believe it is not the only one. I am convinced that I can achieve anything with prayer hard work and atonement with the Absolute being, but the reason why I pray is different. I pray because it gives me hope and courage to fight and work my way out of the turbulence and havoc that I create in my life.

It still feels like a dream…standing right next to ammie’s dead body. My entire self trembling, trying to accept the truth – the real truth…ammie’s gone!

I knew she would not survive, yet it was very difficult to accept this. She fought for two months in ICU against plural effusion but finally gave in. A brave woman indeed! Even the doctors admitted this. The way her body responded to so much stress was unbelievable. But she could not fight for long. Due to renal shutdown and hematoma, the doctors had given up hope. We agreed to the fact that no rigorous medical activity will be performed as it would only hurt the body and would be of no use…as the doctors would say, we would make it comfortable for her…

When the doctors informed us of this, I still had hope. Ammie would be drowsy most of the time. I would go and stand next to her, put my hand on the place where I assumed the hematoma existed and I would recite a verse that Prophet Muhammad would recite for any one who was ill. “Azhab al bas a rabbun naas a washfi anta shaafi…” I had never felt within me what I felt while I read the verses. A connection, a link, definitely something.

The symptoms instead of spreading suddenly started to improve. My brave, strong willed mother started making another comeback. Her blood pressure and renal activity improved. Once again she was moving towards stability. The doctors were amazed, as this was the third time that she started recovering. But they were still not very hopeful, maybe due to their experience, maybe her stay in the ICU had been too long because of which they knew complete recovery was impossible.

Ammie started waking up for short durations, but would not be interested in anything. She would not respond to the nurses or to the doctors. But when I would go to visit her, and when I asked her if she had pain anywhere, she would tell me by the action of her hand that yes there was some uneasiness. With lip movement she would try to communicate with me. I would call her and she would respond by moving her head in my direction…I held her hand…talked to her…told her she was just fine…

The ICU incharge had observed, so she called me outside one day and told me to stay with her as much as I could. She said, your mother does not like any of us, because she’s not responding to us, but I have seen that spark in her eyes when u are there…she likes u…bring her back…talk to her …we don’t know how long she is with us…give her all that u can…

My hopes were high, I still can’t understand why. This was just the day before she passed away. I stayed with her the entire day…tried my best…but then there was a meeting with the doctors…so I had to leave her bedside for sometime. I was very tired…but hunger, tiredness, sleep …nothing mattered…I don’t know where I got all the energy that I had….to keep standing the entire day…maybe faith, hope and wish for some miracle kept me going…

But anyways, Ammie was conscious when I left her. I told her not to worry, I’ll come back in a while after speaking to the doctors. I asked her if I could go and she nodded…and the doctors believed she was not responding…but I spoke to her, she responded to me…anyways…

But when I came back, I just wished I had not gone…her eyes were frozen!…she was unable to close them….i cannot forget the look in her eyes…it was so painful and sad…it felt she could hear me but could not respond… The nurse suggested to put an eye patch made out of cotton without which the eyes would become dry. Ammie was very uncomfortable; her tongue was constantly moving as if she was trying to say something. I tried to understand but it was extremely difficult… I spoke to her…I could feel that she could hear me…I could not stand it and I removed the eye patch because it gave me a very bad feeling…

I tried to speak to her, and I felt she was trying to tell me something…she would move her hand, then her hand would drop as if she had given up…then she would start again…

I then held her hand and started speaking gently to her. Although at that moment I just wanted to cry out loud, but I forced myself to keep calm…and I talked and talked. I spoke of all the fears that my mother could have regarding home, Abbu, my youngest sister…I tried to convince her that they were all doing well…and that they were all prepared…I tried to convince her that we have learned to go on without her…that she need not worry about us….I told her we will all be fine, and I don’t know why I asked her to close her eyes…although her eyes were as still as a stone…and nurses felt they would become dry if they were left uncovered, but tears fell from them as I spoke. And then all of a sudden, it felt as if she was calm. She stopped moving her tongue and lips, as if all her questions were answered, and that she had nothing to ask, and she gradually closed her eyes! My sisters had also gathered around her bed and they were all reciting Ya Sin. I could actually see her heart rate fall on the monitor. Slowly and gradually her soul departed.

I had lost. I could not do anything to save her…When we were bringing her to the hospital two months ago, then also I had convinced her that she will soon be fine…Every day I would give updates to my father regarding what the doctor said about her progress…I would try to convince him that there was improvement and that she’ll recover soon…I was wrong!! Now that she was gone, I was wondering how I would face my father, what I would tell him now…Here I was, standing right next to her….

But Abbu is a man of wisdom…he already had a fairly good idea of where Ammie was heading to…

 I reached home with Ammie….i had always imagined we would do a get together when she gets better. But this homecoming was different…I was greeted by my weeping father, who hugged me and said “You were so brave baita…” Tears ran down my cheeks…but I controlled myself…I was really being brave…

All this while, I kept on thinking…we prayed so hard…everyone did…yasalaamo, Ya Sin, Surah Rehman…what not…but Allah did not respond to us…why?!! Does He really answer our prayers? He is ‘Sami-ud-Dua’ no doubt i.e he hears us, but does He answer our prayers? He did not respond to our prayers. My mind kept on asking questions. What’s the use of a life where one would pray to Allah for something, but that which has to happen will happen? Then what is the purpose of Dua? Why should we lead a life which is full of sorrows, pain and misery? Why not run away maybe into a jungle…like Buddha? Was Allah trying to punish us for something? Or was He trying out Ammie’s patience…but why her…she was good even to those who had hurt her. Infact she would not even let us say anything bad to such people. She would sometimes point out the good qualities of those people and would sometimes go as far as giving justification for the bad that was done to her. So why would Allah give her so much pain?

After a lot of thinking, certain things dawned upon me. My paradigm started shifting…..